Healing Resistance

A Radically Different Response to Harm: My Life & Training in the Nonviolent Legacy of Dr. King

Authored by Kazu Haga, Foreword by Bernard Lafayette Jr. & David C. Jehnsen, Published by Parallax Press, 2020

My cousin bought me this book as a gift in early 2025, as they had their own copy and thought of me while they were reading it. I found emotional validation in this book. It aided the healing of my personal conflicts and confirmed strategic forms that I’ve dreamed about, having tried to implement them alone in the past, unsuccessfully. At those times, I failed to live up to a 100% nonviolent way of presenting my frustrations, but this book affirmed that the violence of others, and their lack of amable strategy, had been a part of what led me to react similar, proving that nonviolence is evolutionary to our DNA, not only revolutionary. Kazu talks about this concept, being that nonviolence is somewhat new to our survival abilities. This book showed me the everlasting goal, adventure, and process of nonviolence as a spiritual journey, and as direct actions of collective strength.

“Maybe this nonviolence stuff isn’t normal. Yet. Maybe it’s in our nature to be violent, at least for now. But I believe that our destiny as a species is to evolve beyond the constraints of our social norms and our biology… If you think you can sit calmly at a lunch counter while people throw pies at your face, call you the worst insults imaginable, and physically assault you and your friends without having trained for it, you are deceiving yourself. For most of us, our natural reactions to violence falls into one of three categories: to fight, fight, or freeze.”

The above example of assault is what people of color had to face and worse, when advocating for the societal transformation to integrate with the “white race” in Europe and the Americas. Our evolutionary psychology is mostly accustomed to fight, flight, and freeze, however, each of those functions can be re-directed with skillful cognition wires. As I state in my Englitch Stigmata article, “the egg came before the chicken like instinct came before intuition” for it is comprehension that affects the future. In May of 2024, I was accused of putting the anti-genocide protest camp in danger, by calling campus police on a counter protester that was breaking our “quiet hours” rules, and called me an idiot for being an Omnist that tries to re-legion to peace. I had shared I was raised Jewish like him, but that peace is the place I was coming from, asking him to turn down the blasting EDM he was playing from his Mercedez Benz at midnight next to people’s tents. I was told by the young people of color that were on watch not to talk to the individual, but chose to use my privilege and shared upbringing with the person, to have a conversation with him instead.

I decided that the people put on watch were not in charge of my actions, that I am a sovereign being and since I had been a part of that camp since it’s first day, I felt obligated. I may not have been a part of the planning of the camp action, but they wanted as many students as possible to join the protest camp in solidarity for anti-genocide, so I did. I tried joining the group that planned it, Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), but it felt like more of a republic than a Democracy. I was cut off from speaking, shut down by the main organizers of the group, and banned for “talking to cops.” I was not there when SDS made the rules for the camp that they invited students too, and they did not say we absolutely had to join them in order to be a part of the camp or their protests, because protesting is a freedom of speech for any individual, regardless of their sovereignty or loyalty to a group. I was not a part of the camp’s rule-making process, but rule number one was “we don’t talk to cops,” and the last rule was “quiet hours: 10 PM-8 AM.” Sleep-deprivation was often an issue in that camp, and so were cops.

“A nonviolent response to conflict is about committing to a path of reconciliation, which means committing to dialogue with the other parties involved. Even if a conflict escalates to physical violence, nothing can be resolved unless dialogue occurs… two monologues don’t make up a dialogue.”

Instead of allowing the man in the Benz bumpin’ EDM continue his 12 AM loner-rave when some people were trying to sleep, and some SDS’ers were in the main tent bumpin’ their own music (breaking their own rule about quiet hours), I too broke their rule about talkin’ to a cop. When the guy called me an idiot before he rolled up his window and turned the EDM back up after I peacefully approached him, I took out my phone, took pics of his plates, and called campus police (not the same as 911). A woman answered and asked me about my emergency, and I told her that there was a counter protester at our peaceful protest camp, and that he was breaking our quiet-hours rules by blasting music while we were trying to sleep. She asked for a description, and I told her “a silver Mercedez Benz with almost expired plates, and a white man blasting Hebrew EDM.” She said she’d send a patrol car over to check. The guy knew what I was doing, so he took off in his car and never came back. When the patrol arrived, they never got out of their car, never talked to anybody, besides calling me to say that they could not find the car, while I told them he had drove off before they arrived.

“So often we have hoped that if we scream “justice” loudly enough, things will magically change. But what we need is to understand the issue well enough to develop concrete demands for changes in policy, procedure, and the law…”

Nobody was hurt or arrested by campus police that night, or because I called them, and in fact, there was a Denver police patrol car posted at the top of the parking lot every night watching over us- just in case there was an active shooter or some other emergency, and perhaps to spy on us, but that patrol car never did anything to the camp as we slept there night after night.The next morning we were going to do an action at the graduation that I was a part of, being awarded my bachelor’s degree in Transformative Advocacy. I was so excited to be a part of the group, but instead I was taken aside by the former colleague-lawyer, and a peer from a course I had the semester before, both blonde white men claiming to be leadership enforcers of the SDS rules, and was told by them that I was no longer welcome at the camp. I was called a counter protester for getting rid of a counter protester. The lawyer said “you make me want to smoke” as if I was in charge of getting that cigarette out an putting it in their mouth- inspiring others in the camp to smoke too. They then commanded a buff white blonde woman to physically block me by using her body, who later destroyed my tent stakes when she was told to clean up my tent/spot when I was not present. The Palestinian activists at our camp did not kick me out nor had the authority to defend me, despite it being their movement (then co-opted by SDS).

“Oppression is traumatic, and hypervigilance and hyperattentiveness are common manifestations of trauma. When we are used to fighting off threats and attacks on a daily basis, we are constantly looking for the next attack, and being sensitive is an effective and important survial mechanism. At the same time, constantly looking for the next sign of danger only perpetuates trauma and does not help us heal.”

In fact, the Palestinian pediatrician that watched me get kicked out, offered me a hug that I turned down while I was crying, and told me that maybe there could be some sort of reconciliation between myself and the SDS leaders. The guy who experiences more global depression, had the maturity and experience to acknowledge my actions and suggest a solution, while the blonde white people “in charge” of the camp were assured I was only and will only be a danger to the camp. In this case, his sensitivity built on generations of Palestinian resilience and his training as a pediatrician supported my healing as I cried over being exiled by a movement that I thought I was a part of, continued to try to be a part of, alone without say. To this day, no reconciliation has occurred or been offered by Denver SDS, as only monologues take up the that space, sometimes entwined with lies about me being a cop and other falsehood accusations.

Many other former members of SDS, and sovereign protesters like myself, have been exiled from protesting with or around any SDS-led movements, even though it’s our freedom of speech to practice our right to protest, regardless of their republic of cop-haters. The morning I was forcibly removed by SDS, the day of my graduation, I wore my Keffiyeh, my anti-nazi hat, and a rainbow stole. I never completely stopped showing up to the protests where SDS and others were marching in the middle of the street, and I would ride up to the front on my bike and be a part of them- regardless of their looks of hatred and despise:

“Our inability to see beyond our black/white paradigm is one of the biggest threats to sustainable peace. I’ve seen this play out in incredibly toxic ways in many circles, including a lot of progressive & social justice spaces in which it seems like saying anything not in accordance with the dominant view of that group is considered the ultimate sin. One wrong comment and you can be viewed as ignorant, oppressive, or “not woke” enough, and it’s probably because you’re a nazi. Things escalate quickly, and there seems to be no middle ground. Rather than give people space to air disagreements or different perspectives, we demonize them, shame them, and shut them down.”

I have been bullied my entire life, by both my peers and my father(s). Boys threw rocks at me in middle school, I had a gun put in my face by my birth father when I was 15, I was kicked out at 18 by my stepfather for not having a job and for calling him out for being an abusive alcoholic- so I went to live at Urban Peak youth shelter. I resonated with Kazu’s personal story there, as he talked about his abusive step father in the book. To this day, I am still not allowed to go back to the childhood home I grew up in and invited my step father to through a facebook reconnection (I got him back together with my mom). I am ostracized and bullied for being a they/them and calling my child those pronouns by my fathers- but thankfully, my cousins accept me for those pangender qualities, and my mom plays both sides. On my dad’s side I have gay cousins that are both trans-masculine with kids via artificial insemination and adoption. I’ve had several female partners in my life, and my child’s other birth-parent is trans-feminine.

Regardless, that former colleague-lawyer still accuses me of being anti-transgender, still refuses to have an adult conversation with me, and still threatens me with a restraining order every time I seek reconciliation with him. Admittedly, I confronted him at the pride parade, and yelled at him, screaming at him to “never call me anti-trans again!,” and stole a rainbow fan from out of his hand as he was using it to cool himself off from the June sun. The whole altercation was a about 30 seconds or a minute long, while I spewed some cuss words at him for spreading lies about me. I was obviously not nonviolent, verbally, and I took his fan from his hands without touching him, and then left the other side of the street to go hold up a banner about anti-genocide with the rest of the group. I tried reaching out to him afterwards, but he simply threatens a restraining order. So, since there is nothing else I can do, I wrote a poem about it, and talked to my counselors about the issue. The groups that he belongs to refuse to speak with me:

“In left-wing politics, there seems to be a prevailing worldview that people who don’t agree with every social justice principle are racist, sexist, classist, and basically just the worst human being.”

To clarify the reason why that man accused me of being anti-trans, is because I posted a de-transition video about a person who was born in a country where being gay is more of a problem than being in a hetero-relationship- even if it’s seemingly fake or transgender. This person transitioned into a female so their family could accept them being in a relationship with a man, because from the outside, they would look like a hetero-sexual couple. They grew up in a family where a feminine man being in a relationship with another man was forbidden, so they transitioned into a woman. Their de-transition could only happen to an extent, since they had the boob job, the hormones; their point was that they wished being gay was allowed in their home country, so that way, they would not have had to modify their body in order to fit an aesthetic description simply to protect a hetero-normative image (which also costed them a lot of money). I also stated that my child was not allowed to take hormones until they were 18, so I was accused of being “anti-trans kids.” However, I also stated that I did not want my kid taking hormones until they were 18 because I did not want them becoming a whore-that-moans until they are old enough to have sex!

If my child wanted to take androgen blockers to prevent them from developing sex hormones, then I’d be fine with that (not the same thing as taking sex-hormones). In fact, I wish androgen blockers were offered to me when I was a teen, because was overly sexual active due to being addicted to porn from the age of 9 (although I did not lose my virginity until I was 14). My pituitary gland was tested as overactive, and doctors did not know why because I never told anybody about my addiction, and parental controls for the internet did not really exist during my youth, while my family either ignored my addiction, or acted like it was normal, since both of my parents were sexually abused at some point prior to raising me- and after I was born. So, even though I was not yet sexually active with a partner, the military doctors prescribed me progesterone-estrogenic birth control to regulate my pituitary gland issues, which increased my sexual arousal, making my promiscuity even worse than it already was AND it increased my emotional sensitivity, causing me to act-out in more dramatic ways, while the reason why I was doing so was never understood by those closest to me.

I have recently found a life-changing supplement for period-hormones that cause emotional breakdowns and heavy flow (PMDD), of which stabilizes my mood and has lightened my flow, even stopping it altogether if I take it consistently. In my youth and early adulthood before I found medicine, I was sent to mental hospitals for my over-dramatic flares of emotion, wishing my father was not a drug addict or an abusive liar, wishing my mother was not passively codependent, wishing I knew why I felt out of control. During first family meeting with the doctors when I was 13, my father showed up on heroin and the doctor said I could not go home, so I went to live with my grandfather for a short time. It was a good break- until I was sent home again. The problem I developed from having my voice silenced by my the men in my family, but being somewhat listened to in hospitals in CO (despite feeling like I was being poisoned by pills), was that I thought sharing my traumas and being as transparent as possible with my peers would help me in the long-run- but I was wrong. Due to the frequent hospitalizations and groups I had been a part of growing up, when I was among peers I’d sometimes over-share, becoming a sad distraction rather than an inspirational leader, within shared spaces:

“I appreciate that I live in a place tht generally acknowledges the need for healing (somewhere in California), but I have seen meeting spaces and healing spaces often get conflated. Sometimes, there is an expectation that people can process their traumas anywhere, which may actually lead to people getting retraumatized. Beyond separating out healing spaces and meeting spaces, it is also necessary to separate healing spaces from direct action spaces. While our individual wounds may be healed by participating in direct action, we should not have that expectation. Taking part in direct actions can be incredibly healing, but direct action is about healing the wounds of society.”

So here’s the caveat: Since society needs to heal from police brutality, SDS made the rule that nobody in the group is allowed to talk to cops whatsoever (although sometimes they bully/patronize, just like the cops do to members of society/protesters). Sometimes cops view themselves as members of society, sometimes only as members of secret societies, sometimes both, sometimes neither, acting sovereign. There is a person under the suit, be it a murderer, racist, rapist, or somebody who genuinely wants to stop human trafficking and domestic violence. Cops have legal and social privileges that cause them to avoid taking true accountability, which is why people protest them and the system that privileges them. Some people are thankful for some cops, some are hateful for some cops, some are both. I’m both. However, if we cannot have a dialogue with them, how can we change their perspective, or even “know thy enemy,” as Sun Tzu’s Art of War states as a principle? Cops think they have that principle keyed in, because they have spy-technology to look into profiles using a search engine software, but the problem is, what side the key words or phrases that they look for are on, according to their commanders, and how they interpret the laws they claim to enforce.

“Truth is not a zero-sum game, and understanding other perspectives does not diminish ours… In nonviolence, our commitment to healing relationships requires that we listen to opposing perspectives to develop empathy and understanding… In order to change them, we need to understand people’s individual stories and the systems that influence them…”

Kazu also states that when the opposing side refuses to listen to our side by ignoring efforts to discuss actions, then nonviolent direct actions are necessary to gain their attention and demand their listening skills. That’s why the protest camp was erected, and perhaps my peers were projecting their needs to be heard on to me, because I called a cop, and often the cops shut down dialogue instead of allowing it. Before that night, I also tried talking a whole unit of cops out of arresting people at an action in the afternoon into the evening, which actually worked! I did not realize that the chief was looking down from the top of the parking lot, watching me talk down his unit from arresting us while they stood there listening to his orders on the radio. That day, the Denver mayor, Mike Johnson, came to the camp in person, and the protesters were yelling at him to call off the genocide contracts, wherein I was also yelling: “I re-legion to peace” over and over again, a few feet away from him, while the police chief was acting as his body guard.

After the mayor left, the chief went up into the parking garage, and although the mayor commanded him to arrest the campers after they refused to leave the camp and yelled at him, the chief protested the mayor instead that evening. He called his unit into the Tivoli brewing company restaurant, just outside the camp, and gave them all the night off, and bought themselves some beers; calling off the arrest that the mayor was demanding. It was a few weeks after that, after I was kicked out, that the cops finally followed the mayors orders and shut down the whole camp. There were also several arrests on the first day of camp, one of which was one of the blonde male leaders (the peer from my previous semester), so he was not there during the second action (where I convinced the chief not to have his unit arrest people). I don’t know if my peer was ever informed that I did that either, because it simply looked like I was talking to cops, defecting from the SDS plan to chain-link themselves around the campsite, of which they already had enough people doing that day (a perfectly well-done direction action they had done, by the way).

“Whether a loved one is struggling with alcohol addiction and is refusing to have the difficult conversation that would lead to their recovery or a nation addicted to fossil fuels is refusing to talk about climate change, sometimes assertive action is necessary to dramatize the issue, bring conflict to the surface, build power, and force a necessary dialogue.”

I have tried to approach my step father’s alcoholism issue, but due to his lack of respect for me, even if I try to care for him it goes unacknowledged and ignored. I’ve grown to convince myself that it’s not my place to try to change him, my mother’s place, and his children’s place. I am the disowned one, and I must make peace with that. To be honest, even though some people hated me for not following SDS orders (especially those two blonde men and the blonde woman that does security for them), I felt acknowledged when the Denver chief of police purposely sat behind me during a city council meeting, wherein a spoke up against the genocide, letting me know that he recognized who I was from that day.

Perhaps it’s my daddy issues talking, but unlike my peers, he gave me a chance and listened to me talking to his unit. He’s has F.B.I. training, and was given the position after the former Denver police chief, Paul Pazen, who joined with protesters during the George Floyd protests in 2020, and afterwards stepped down to make him, Ron Thomas, the new chief of police- a “black” man. He’s not perfect and has made several mistakes, and while I don’t agree with his accountability plans, I am still thankful that he did not arrest people that day. However, after not reprimanding his officers after killing latino trans-woman, M.Tapia, and not listening to the suggestions of Transforming Our Communities Alliance, I have felt let down by his recent actions handling accountability (after the camp was gone).

“When we use nonviolence to confront violence and injustice, we are not disturbing the peace, we are disturbing complacency. We are disturbing the normalization of violence.”

After the last sentence in the quote above, Kazu says “we are disturbing negative peace.” Due to my transformative advocate work trying to change language, I would never put it that way, but I understand what he intends. There is a study from the National Library of Medicine about an English language behavior that proves it’s often biased through the use of “addition” based language (such as “positive psychology,” or “ads”). The study shows us that “addition-like” functions are used more than “negative” functions, despite the fact that being “negative” on a test for diseases is one of the best things a person could ask for, and being “carbon negative” is act-u-ally a very healthy action for our society to embrace, despite its current lack of popularity. Where we don’t see this trend is in the words “black” and “blessed,” despite their phonetic and spelling ties to “be lack” and “be less.” To lack stupidity or to lack disease is a blessing indeed. Black is blessed. In Spanish, the word for “black” is “negro,” which has the same prefixation as the word “negative” and “neglect.” So, although the user of English may not intend the racial disparity, it nonetheless exists within the systemic function of the English language as it’s currently used (of which can change over time). The study does not talk about the words “black” and “blessed” however, but I do in my studies on Englitch transformative advocacy.

“I’ve come to realize that one of the main reasons why I used to struggle to talk about love is because I come from a culture where our understanding of love is very limited, The word for “love” in Japanese pronounced “ai” has a very limited context- it only refers to romantic love. So in our language, we don’t tell our friends or family members that “love” them.'“

Kazu explains that the language does not have multiple words for “love” because it is a concept that is seemingly unexplainable. While the Greeks have various words to represent different types of love, like “agape” (the love of all things), Japan has various words for “recognize,” “appreciation,” and “acknowledgment,” words that are related to loving action, also seen throughout their various different schools of Buddhism, teaching types of thankful discipline-ethics. All in all, Kazu’s work is inspirational. His certification in Kingian Nonviolence and life-experience guides much of the book, such as having had been a part of protest leadership (like in Occupy Oakland, Mass Resist, and others), and his early-life pilgrimage that strengthened his practice of Buddhist philosophy and people-gathering; balancing meditations decency, all contributing to this fabulous book on principles and action. His work within prisons and schools also inform his writing, as he remembers some of the seemingly most violent offenders with life-long sentences having had impressed him during reflections about their narratives, after they had learned about restorative justice and gone through personal transformations while behind bars.

“September 29th, 2011 was the day I realized Occupy was going to be big. That was the day United Airlines pilots went to the park in full uniform to show their solidarity. That was the moment it became more than a bunch of radical activists protesting corporate power”

To be continued…